At least as of 2025, a lot of “self-help” advice has seemingly been that everyone else is the problem, not you. A lot of “if they wanted to, they would,” and only surface-level solutions. You can paint the outside of a house to make it beautiful, but that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s still broken inside. Now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes, yes, the people around you are the problem, but it’s taking accountability, finding your own truth, and owning that YOU control your emotions and actions.
DISCLAIMER
Of course, once again, everything I’m saying here is understood with the fact it’s all rooted in light, love, and kindness. I’m not talking morally wrong ever. I’m talking everyday life, things literally every human being experiences, yet, as a society, we choose not to talk about. So, this is me talking about it.
Sometimes the hardest truth we have to swallow is understanding perhaps we never really knew ourselves. I feel life is a journey of always trying to find that child-like wonder we had as kids. Growing up is learning no one really knows what’s going on, some “rules” are fake and made with no honest basis, and the whole point of being alive is finding yourself, becoming one with you, and returning to that whimsical, child-like love for the world. I’ve been heavily on that journey, as most of you know. Questioning, rebelling, and loving are some of the greatest gifts we have in this world. I believe I’ve found myself. It took awhile, but I’ve had a lot of life, experienced and witnessed a lot of things, that helped shape me and give me the gift of myself.
This isn’t an easy journey, and it’s not linear. There will be ups and downs, you’ll feel amazing one day, and the next feel like you’re backsliding. But remember, you must be kind to yourself. The only real truth is that the only thing we can control in this world, is ourselves. Our feelings, our thoughts, our actions. Surrender is one of the hardest things to do, but it’s one of the first steps in learning to trust in you. Whether spiritual or not, it’s realizing in a world of chaos, you can be your own peace.
I’ve been on my mystic journey and read Mirabai Starr’s translation of Saint Teresa of Ávila’s The Interior Castle. What a woman! In reading her words I felt like I was reading myself, that all thoughts I’ve had, were the same ones she felt compelled by back in 1577. She fell under the scrutiny of the Spanish Inquisition and I love how in her writing she would essentially protect herself by saying “didn’t happen to me, but a good friend I know.” A woman after my own heart, she knew semantics, she knew how to phrase things to get her message across without upsetting the masses. To me, she’s essentially the embodiment of if you know you know but if you don’t know, you might like it anyway! In summary, her Interior Castle is a metaphor to how the soul has seven mansions, each one a journey of finding yourself, and a tough one at that. It all leads to finding union with God in her words, but don’t limit yourself to semantics. I see everyone and everything as connected, like a collective consciousness. I still believe in individuality, but also believe in the power of community. We are energy. I kind of see the mind, body, and spirit, as a representation of the Trinity. I’m sure people will disagree, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Finding union with yourself is finding union with God, Spirit, the Universe, or the Collective. Again, don’t get me wrong, this is all rooted in love and light.
So one may ask, well then, how do I start? You start in small, little ways. Ask yourself the tough questions: what am I so burdened by? Is it something of my own doing? Why am I worrying over this? Is it something I can control? Again, easier said than done. What about mental illness? Sometimes, it is a chemical imbalance. You can change your life, work out, eat better, be surrounded by amazing friends, and still, something is off. In the spirit of being honest, because if my words can help even one person, then it’s all worth it, I have that chemical imbalance. I grew up with love, but also turmoil. Drugs, mental illness, anger, unresolved emotions, surrounded me. I had the good with the bad. My mother is a saint in her own right and if I could give her the entire world I would. Not to put anyone on blast (my mother loves my father so much but he has his own life to figure out), but sometimes you can love someone so much, you lose yourself and harm your being in trying to make sure they are okay. I think a lot about the quote “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” You can give someone all the tools they need to help themselves, but ultimately, it’s their life. Reminds me of the Spongebob scene where Spongebob and Patrick were trying to get paint off of Mr. Krabs’ first dollar, and Patrick has the wisdom, “Spongebob, we’re not cavemen. We have technology.” and then he smashes the dollar with the computer.
You can be given the computer, but if you don’t know what to do with it, it’s useless. I think a lot of the women in my family, probably much like a lot of families, were plagued with depression and the inability to fully be themselves. There probably is something to be said about generational trauma. Because, don’t get me wrong, life is life! And sometimes it sucks, and it hurts, and you feel like you’re about to get KO’d and one more thing will throw you off the edge. But then you look outside, you see Earth, the trees, the birds. You notice the little things, how nature is also brutal to them, and all they do is try to survive. Sometimes, you just have to try to survive. That’s when knowing yourself comes in handy. It’s also really nice to have a good support system and people around you who just get it. Like I’ve said before, you are never alone.
My imbalance comes from the fact that I am a woman. Which is so funny! I’m tired all the time, and no one knows why (even though I have a blood condition I think it’s got a little something to do with that although the doctors will say, “nah it’s not that”….right right…..) I realized, with the help of my family, my pattern was two weeks of being a regular person, happy, that life had meaning, to two weeks before my period of being depressed, questioning everything, nothing mattered, what’s the point. Then I’d get my period and think “I’ve never been sad a day in my life!” So that’s called PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and no amount of exercise, eating right, or hanging with great friends was gonna cure that one. I have a habit of being too stubborn, but ultimately knowing if I just do the thing, I’ll feel better. So while it took me some time, I finally did something about it. I’m on a low dose of Prozac and wow, apparently it wasn’t normal to be sad two weeks out of the month!
If I didn’t take accountability, if I didn’t know myself and my pattern, I wouldn’t have known what to do with my tools. I could have blamed the world, blamed my experiences, let it take me down, but I didn’t want to do that. Even in the thick of it, I think how maybe I should do something self-destructive (like drinking heavily or just being a complete menace) but my spirit doesn’t want to do that. I think it’s because I know and love myself, so it’s as if my higher self is holding my hand saying, “don’t worry, we will get through this, because you already did.” I find comfort in that. It’s much like how any journey isn’t linear, neither is time. Sometimes I take solace in the fact that when I’m deep in it, I know there’s a time when I wasn’t, and I got through it, and that thought helps break me out of it.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about Good Will Hunting and “it’s not your fault” “I had to go see about a girl”, and how that movie is the perfect example of everything I’m saying here. Tying back to sometimes being in situations where you have to let go and surrender, I also think a lot about Beautiful Boy with Timothée Chalamet. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone, is let them go find themselves. You really hope for the best, but to protect yourself, you have to surrender. I found myself in a situation where as much as I wanted to be in the life and be friends with someone who means everything to me, in order for anything to be real and pure, it had to be done right. I understood the situation they were in but I was being a little much and selfish, and I apologize for that. Ultimately (although don’t get me wrong I tried too much LMAO), I did the hard thing of pulling away, fully. Because if it is real and the stars want to align, then it simply will be. It was an excellent test of patience, trusting timing, trusting the Universe. I learned a lot about myself and I’m glad it’s something I could go through to learn. Life is about learning always. I will always have love and admiration and hope that one day (while I’d love for it to be soon) we can be friends again.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone, is knowing yourself first. In doing so, you give space for those around you to grow, and to love. Never judging, never shaming, simply just being that source of light and love. So while the world may tell you it’s them, remember, it always ends with you. A beautiful quote from Mr. Chalamet himself:
“You could be the master of your fate. You could be the captain of your soul. But you have to realize that life is coming from you and not at you, and that takes time.”
So be kind to yourselves.
Be open.
Be honest.
Be understanding.
And remember life is about the journey, not the destination. Find yourself, find your inner child. Experience life with joy, love, and whimsy. And remember, at the end of the day, you’ll always have yourself.