There is nothing worse than when you finally realize nothing really matters. Is this too nihilistic of an approach to life? Maybe. Or is it seeing things for how they are, which can be beautiful. Everyone (and by everyone I mostly mean society) tells you ‘go to college’, ‘get your degree’, then you’ll ‘get a job’. That job will allow you to live and that’s it. You’re done! Congratulations you did it all! But then you find yourself 22, newly degreed, sitting in an office with people twice your age. You look around and think, “Is this it? Is this my life for the next 15-30 years? Waking up early, driving through traffic, going to the office, driving home in traffic, being too tired to do anything, going to bed early, and doing it all over again. Day after day?” You start questioning everything you thought you knew.
This is where you can see life for how beautiful it is. You realize this life is yours, and you don’t have to listen to society. If something isn’t serving you, it’s okay to leave. The tough, and most realistic part, is how will I be able to afford to live then? That’s when the brutality of life and the drowning system that’s been created for us really keeps you down. Depends on the personality, you can play the game if you want, but I personally did not want to play that game. I was blessed enough to have scholarships and grants that put me through college, graduating with a Mechanical Engineering degree. I always knew that it would be my plan B. I minored in studio art because art is the only thing that made me feel alive. I loved being able to use the analytical side of my brain with engineering and math and blending it with the beauty of the artistic side of me. I learned I was great at learning, I loved solving problems and finding solutions. I loved my friends and the community I had. College was fun. What more could I want?!
Then it was time to graduate. Everything coming to an end. All my friends and I running around trying to land jobs after we graduate. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I really did not care about the fields I could go into. I chose Mechanical Engineering because it was the most versatile and could take me anywhere. I loved music, concerts, art, and entertainment. I thought, “Hey, maybe I can be a set designer or production engineer?” But it was still January I had time to think about it! And then March 2020 happened. No graduation ceremony, no jobs, no seeing my friends anymore. We went on spring break and never went back. I started applying to the most random jobs, because hey, that’s what you do after college, you use your degree. April 2021 I heard back from one company that found my resume from the mother company who bought them out. I was so excited to finally have an engineering job! Sure, I didn’t really care for the industry but I’m doing what I’m supposed to so that’s a good thing, right?
Some may say it was imposter syndrome but I knew deep down in my heart I did not want this to be the rest of my life. I loved my team; they were the highlight of it all. I went through a depression thinking, “Wow. So, this is it?” and it fully consumed me. I was also blessed enough to have an incredible support system who told me, begged me, to quit and do something else that made life worth living. I’m too stubborn so it took me awhile before I finally had the courage to tell my boss how I felt. He was so understanding and caring, his boss was compassionate, and my team understood. Now I was 23 with my whole life ahead of me, but I still had no idea what I wanted to do. I started hand building ceramic mugs with cute trinkets inside and that sparked something inside me. At the same time, I was also working in a retail space with an incredible team and people more my age. I went back and eventually became a manager and I loved it. I loved running a store, I loved my team, I got to be around people and giggle. It was perfect. I left because of lack of respect from upper management, I was just a number and replaceable to them. So now I’m back to square one. What do I do now?
I spent some time as a stagehand as well because, again, I loved concerts. I thought it would be a perfect segue into being a set designer. I applied to be an intern for a production company but after the interview they moved on with other people so this was the next best thing. While I did love the job, being able to meet and work with the teams who worked with Billie Eilish, Dua Lipa, Tyler the Creator, Imagine Dragons, etc. it was nonstop. Entire teams go into production making a show be as incredible as they are, and I learned then, I did not want to spend the rest of my days doing that either. I always knew deep down I want my own studio, and with my mugs if I just put the time, effort, and trusting my instincts into it, I can make it a reality.
I always knew I was someone who wanted to live ten different lives. While I’ve had many paths that have shown me what I don’t want, it taught me many valuable things about life. For instance, it is so hard, and needing money to live sucks. And companies don’t really want to pay you enough to survive, even though they reached record profits! That’s a post for another day. All this to say I still have no idea what I want to do in life to make money. If I could travel, hang out with my friends, go to concerts, give back to the community in meaningful ways, I’d do that. Finding something that makes me enough to live AND have the time to live my life for me, I’m still searching.
So, I decided to start this blog. Mainly just for me. A place to gather my thoughts, talk about music, and just live. One of my biggest faults is not trusting my talent, or having big ideas and not following through. So, this is also a space for me to hold myself accountable, and maybe learn a thing or two in the meantime. So, here’s to all the people who may come across this feeling the same way I do. I see you, I hear you, I understand you. Maybe we can grow together, who’s to say!