The older I get the more I realize time really is the only valuable asset we have. It’s been a couple of months since I last posted yet it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. I still have a lot of ideas and issues I want to write about, yet here I am, a couple months in and no new posts. This of course then leads into those feelings of “wow the one thing I said I’d like to do once a week and here I am not doing that” and then I feel like I punish myself and get mad that I’m not writing, which leads to feeling bad and being tired and just wanting to sleep. Making excuses like “work is a lot” and “I’m just so busy” even though I spend my free time mindlessly scrolling to unwind and then getting mad that I’m not doing anything productive, and thus the cycle continues.
I think the most important thing I can do is allow myself to feel, to fail, and be tender towards myself. Like I have said before, who cares! Nothing matters anyways! So what I haven’t written my anti-mega corporation manifesto, or why we as a society need to do better, I have been out there living my life having fun, working, and trying my best to just be a human being. Forgiving yourself for not doing what you set out to do is so important. Because look, here I am now about 8pm at night feeling inspired and writing. A close friend told me recently “you can’t paint a masterpiece every day, you gotta let it marinate and accept when inspiration comes” and I feel like it entirely changed my perspective. At least in the US, we live in a world where continuous growth and exponential gains are expected, and anything less you’re deemed a failure. Which is 1) unsustainable and 2) just not indicative of the real world at all. Sometimes you need to rest and live and that’s when inspiration will come.
In the couple months I’ve been gone I joined a run club, not because I love running (I was actually a running hater but you know how it goes, you’re in your mid 20s and marathons start calling your name), but because I wanted to meet new people, have an activity to do that’s productive, and maybe to start getting into running. I’m a person who has and will always do things alone or by myself because I don’t want to deny myself opportunities or having fun simply because I have no one to go with. I make friends wherever I go so it’s always a blast for me to try new things. I’ve actually really enjoyed running with a big group once a week (it also helps the people are very attractive-what a plus!). The best part is you don’t even have to run the whole way you can walk, and one thing about me I love walking and talking.
Have I still had feelings of being utterly crushed by the current economic state and the agonizing realization I cannot afford to be a person? Of course. Do I still feel a bit lost and wondering what my path is and what the purpose of it all is? Absolutely. That’s the crazy thing about time, it simply doesn’t care. Time goes on, life goes on. At least in the meantime I’m having a little bit of fun and giving myself the space to just be alive. That’s the whole purpose of this website, for me to just be me and say how I’m feeling. Hopefully you all have been doing alright and have been able to giggle from time to time. Allow yourself the freedom to just simply be, and forgive yourself when you’re not. Till next time.
